Sunday, 5 December 2010

'Merry Christmas? Along with millions of other middle class mothers, I can't afford one'























It's been a long time - I shouldn't have left you without a strong rhyme to step to. Anyway, on with the show.

This could be the most astonishing article that I've seen for quite some time. I can't begin to comprehend the horror that must be renting a two-bedroom flat in West London. However it's good to see the author develop some sense of perspective:

Of course, to some struggling to pay even basic household bills, this may all sound like another self-pitying whinge from someone who once had it all. But I guess the point is that still — despite the recession — many of us feel under more pressure than ever before to create a perfect Christmas

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1335550/Merry-Christmas-Along-millions-middle-class-families-I-afford-says-CHARLOTTE-METCALF.html

Monday, 21 June 2010

'We can't talk to you because you're dead': Tax office blunder 'kills off' mother-of-two























There's a lot to like about this story, but I think my favourite part is that the stamp on the letter almost says 'Priority Cocks Team'. Marvellous.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1288315/Tax-office-blunder-kills-mother-two.html

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Two car crashes leave woman with 24 hour memory that makes her think it's 1994 EVERY morning






















After what feels like forever, the good people of the Mail oblige us with some sad face action. 1994's not a bad year to have on constant re-wind - Mandela gets elected, grunge music eventually goes away and OG Fred West makes a name for himself.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1285535/Two-car-crashes-leave-Michelle-Philpots-24-hour-memory.html

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Father 'forced son to eat his poor school report card'






















Now I'm as disappointed as you guys are that this is just a library picture. Still, sterling work from the boys on the picture desk here.

A single euro's worth of damages does seems a bit feeble though. If my old man did this to me I'd at the very least have blackmailed a SNES out of him to buy my silence.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1281617/Father-forced-son-eat-bad-school-report.html

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Disabled grandfather arrested by EIGHT police officers for drink-driving on his 4mph mobility scooter






















I love this one. He looks a bit like he's posing for a byeline photo, the mad old alky. But downing seven pints and hopping onto a scooter? A man's gotta know his limitations.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281474/Mobility-scooter-boozer-62-arrested-police-officers-marked-cars.html

Monday, 24 May 2010

Driver orders toddler off bus for wearing 'offensive' England football shirt























1) I bet this never happened, just like those halfwits who posted their Facebook statuses as 'OMG THE POLIS JUST TOLD MY PUB THEY HAD 2 TAK THEIR WORLD CUP FLAGS DOWN CUZ MUSLIMS COMPLAINED EDL LOL'

2) Would you look at the fucking state of that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281019/Driver-orders-toddler-bus-wearing-offensive-England-football-shirt.html

Man aged 33 is refused a bottle of wine in Tesco... because he had no ID
















It's quite flattering at your age. To be honest mate, you could use all the compliments you get.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281063/Engaged-33-year-old-refused-bottle-wine-Tesco--ID.html

Friday, 14 May 2010

Lesbian couple 'forced out of church for holding hands in the pews'
















As you'd expect the comments are golden on this one. Thanks, Kin from Barnet:

"you have to understand, what they are doing and the relationship they are in is a sin, there is no greater sin as sin is sin. The Church was a bit hard kicking them out, and pretty sure many others have sin. The church must remember that God loves the people but hates the sin. The only thing is that people who continue to sin should not take up leadership role within the church, people should start reading the bible more especially when Jesus question the public when they were going to stone a girl to death, no one throw a stone after what he said. do not let political change interfere with your principle in the bible."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278349/Lesbians-forced-church-holding-hands-pews.html

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Shopkeeper bars 17-year-old cyclist from buying puncture repair kit... 'in case he sniffs the glue'






















The Tories have only been in power five minutes and they're already pulling this shit. Anyway, I thought the kids were boshing the plant food these days?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278085/Shopkeeper-stops-17-year-old-buying-puncture-repair-kit-fix-bike-case-sniffs-glue.html

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

'Anti-ginger bullies forced our daughter out of school'






















After seeing that M.I.A. video the other day they want to keep her indoors for safety's sake, or consider investing in a balaclava.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1270379/Anti-ginger-bullies-forced-daughter-school.html

Mother left bedbound by N cup breasts has operation to remove 2.5 stone of flesh from her chest














FIT.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1271378/Bedbound-boobs-Julia-Manihuari-operation-remove-2-5st-flesh.html

Facebook vigilante posts 6,000 photos of convicted paedophiles and sex offenders online as 'invaluable tool for parents'


"On a couple of occasions I have had paedophiles try and hunt me down. I guess it's an occupational hazard" 

I don't think you're their type, sweetheart.

What, no swings? Families' fury after council spends £70,000 on 'deathtrap playground which looks like a cemetery'
















Sorry for the delayed updates, I've been moving house. This one looks like a stock photo for a Childline advert doesn't it? It does make you wonder what the photographer said to get the kid looking so glum - "There's been a terrible accident, yer mam and dad are dead....that's it, stop still now"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1272740/Family-fury-Sunderland-council-spends-70-000-deathtrap-playground.html

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Under-16 netball team need oxygen after getting stuck in hotel lift for almost THREE hours


















This one is right on the fucking line isn't it? My keyboard releases toxic vapours that make you suggestible. You know I must say I actually feel more suggestible and that's just from one sniff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269529/Under-16-netball-team-gets-stuck-hotel-lift-nearly-hours.html

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Like 'the last days of Saigon': Angry and stranded, 350 British tourists cause near-riot at Bangkok airport
















Yes, it's JUST like the fall of Saigon. Jeremy and Tamsin had to run for their lives when the NVA stormed the airport Starbucks. Bloody natives don't speak a word of English either. A very cruel race.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268355/Iceland-volcano-Like-days-Saigon-stranded-British-tourists-cause-chaos-Bangkok-airport.html

Monday, 12 April 2010

Meet Britain's most accident prone man (but don't get too close!)























Can someone explain to me how he managed to 'stab himself in the stomach while whittling a stick', and what the hell whittling a stick is? Is it some kind of pre-industrial revolution McJob?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265340/Meet-Britains-accident-prone-man-dont-close.html

Woman, 86, 'threatened by security staff at Marks & Spencer... for eating biscuit in wrong part of the store'























To quote Bernard Manning (and Didier Drogba), 'it's a fucking disgrace'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265398/Marks--Spencer-staff-threatened-86-year-old-lady-eating-cookie-wrong-store.html